Beauty in Imperfection

"I'm incredibly imperfect but wonderfully loved."

When my fiancé gave me my engagement ring, it nearly took my breath away. Not only was my favorite person asking me to spend the rest of my life with him, but my goodness, the ring itself was absolutely gorgeous!

Later, as he was explaining to me about the design of the ring he said, "I think the diamond has one little imperfection in it, but it is set so you can hardly see it."

"That's alright," I replied. "It's still beautiful and I love it."

Honestly, I thought that was a fitting description of life in general. I'm not perfect. None of us are, really. All of us have our flaws and are in need of redemption. We are still beautiful and loved, though. Our imperfections and brokenness are part of what makes us who we are.

One of my favorite professors, Mr. Balla, used to say something similar. Whenever you asked him how he is, he would say, "I'm incredibly imperfect but wonderfully loved." His response always took me a little off guard, but in an unforgettably good way.

So, I'm reminded that in my imperfection I am loved and beautiful. I really appreciate being able to wear this imperfect-but-absolutely-beautiful ring as a constant reminder of that truth.

The Speech I Never Gave

I recently applied to speak at graduation, as did several other seniors. Someone other than me was chosen to share his or her words on stage May 9^th. Yet, you see, I wrote these words because I wanted to share them with you, my fellow students, faculty, family and friends. So while I’ve resorted to my favorite medium of communication—the written word—you can imagine with me that you’re sitting uncomfortably in your cap and gown, waiting to hear your name called as you walk across the stage. Or maybe you are a family member or friend who was lucky enough to get a ticket to graduation so you can squirm on the bleachers until your loved one takes their brief stroll across the arena stage. Before that proud moment, a joyful, but slightly nervous, blonde soon-to-be-graduated student walks on stage and begins speaking:

“Good morning. My name is Laura Roller and I’m excited to be graduating with a degree in International Business today. Congratulations to all of you: fellow students, families and friends. This is a special day!

Honestly I am not sure right now which one scares me more: graduating and starting life in the “real world” or standing here and addressing you all. So, for the time being I’m not going to focus too hard on either one.

Magic. That’s one word I could use to sort of encapsulate what we’ve had at JBU these past four-ish years. Where else could you have the opportunity to learn so much from so many people? To make good friends from all around the country, and maybe the world? Maybe to do some awesome Mock Rock, to play spy versus spy with squirt guns, to float rubber ducks in the fountain, to pull hilarious pranks, to stay up until 2 a.m. talking with your roommate because you can, to worship with nearly the whole campus a few times a week. To grow and change. To become a better leader. To have your faith deepened and challenged.

One of the things that makes John Brown University such an incredibly special place is the people united here. Okay, maybe you’re not as extroverted as I am, so the prospect of so many people could be a little overwhelming. But think for a second. We have professors here who have spent more years studying than we’ve been alive. We have students here from more countries than states, lending a really cool international flavor to campus life. We have a rugby team! And since “ring by spring” is still alive and well, some of us have even found our spouses here. (Holds up left hand with engagement ring, smiles.) The strange new freshmen we met four years ago, when we were young, nervous, and completely overwhelmed by the new thing called the “college experience,” have now become the best of our friends.

The good news is that we are not dying, just graduating. We will see each other again! Amazing inventions like Skype even keep the distance from obscuring our faces. Homecoming brings the opportunity to visit JBU and see our college friends again. I am predicting that it will be tangibly different, but still very good. I mean, my parents still have college friends they connect with, even though they graduated…well…a long time ago. When JBU alumni get together again, it will be amazing to see both what is the same and what has changed. We’ll come back to campus and realize how young we really were during college and how much we really have grown and changed since then!

I look forward to the days of “do you remember the time when we…” and it will be just like old times for that magic moment. Of course, life will be different. There will be jobs, spouses, children, joy and tragedy, and a general geographic divergence. The other good news is that the next places we go will have people too, in some sort of measurable number that can help make life better if we invest in those relationships too.

Another thing that has made JBU incredible is the opportunity to learn and grow intellectually. That doesn’t have to stop here either. Yes, it will be harder to be a self-directed learner outside the college environment than to have hours of our lives each week devoted to professors pouring their lives and minds into us. But it can still be done. Pick up a book, watch an educational video on YouTube, go on a date to a museum, learn to knit, keep your eyes open and marvel at the world around you. But definitely, whatever we do, let’s keep learning and making the world a better place! Our jobs and post-grad lives will provide new opportunities for learning, too. Maybe it won’t be from a textbook, but we will need to learn what our bosses want, what our clients need, how to love our family and friends better. But I beg you, please don’t stop learning.

Finally, we have been able to grow spiritually here. Maybe not the way we expected. I’m not a super-Christian-missionary-theologian who’s going to save the world with my passion and love for God. There were times in my life these past four years that hurt deeply, and my heart was full of sorrow, darkness and confusion. There were also points of joy, light and encouragement. And, in hindsight, I am grateful for both. But I have learned and loved deeply here. I hope the same is true for you. Maybe your main source of growth was through chapel, or maybe it was Vespers, a small group, a church you joined, an edifying friendship you nurtured, or a mentor that you sought out. Maybe college drove you further from God, but the hope of his goodness and faithfulness still remains deep down.

I walk forward from here with both excitement and trepidation. A lot of changes are in store for me this next year, as I am sure they are for you. My little sister is starting college, my dad has a new job, I am moving to a new apartment and a new town and starting a new job, making new friends, going to a new church, planning a wedding and getting married…. That’s a lot of new!

But wherever life takes us and whatever happens from here, I am grateful that in that newness God’s mercy is also new every morning. That he has shown himself faithful in the past and that he will do so again in months and years to come.  May it always be true of us here at JBU… and beyond.”

You Called?

“Yes, mommy! I’m coming!” my little sister yelled as she came toddling down the hallway in response to my mom calling her name.  “Rachel, come here!” Mom repeated from across the house. “Yes mommy, I’m coming,” again was the response. It was a game we played again and again. “Rachel, when I call your name you need to respond and come right away. The happy way is to obey,” Mom would explain. What appeared to her a game was also much more than that. It was a lesson in obedience. In listening. In going where you’re called, when you’re called.

This story of my sister is the scene that flashed before my eyes this morning at Grace Episcopal Church as Dr. Smith read from 1 Samuel 3. This passage tells the story of the little boy Samuel sleeping comfortably in the temple of God. Suddenly he hears his name being called. I imagine that he had been trained, much like my sister and I, to come immediately and willingly when called. He ran to Eli, who was his priest, mentor, and father figure, with the quick response, “Here I am. You called me.” Groggily, Eli mutters that he didn’t call the boy and that he should go back to sleep. Samuel, again obedient, shuffles back to his pallet and lies down. This same thing happens again! His name is called, he responds in obedience by running to Eli’s side, and is told to go back to sleep. The third time, Eli realizes that Samuel must really be hearing something. We do not know if Eli had himself heard the voice of God before, or whether he only logically concluded that this was the only remaining explanation for the voice Samuel keeps hearing. Whichever the case may be, Eli tells Samuel to go back to his bed, and if he hears the voice again to respond to God with the phrase, “Yes, Lord, your servant is listening.”

Can you imagine how scared and confused Samuel must have been? He keeps hearing his name called, but no one can figure out why. When the explanation finally comes, the truth is scarier than the unknown. The Lord God Almighty is talking to HIM!  He may have thought, What can the God of the Universe possibly have to say to little me? I’m just a boy who works in the temple. I do my job and help Eli. Surely there is nothing that God could have to say to me. Instead, God turns Samuel’s world upside down by speaking audibly to him with a prophecy of the future that included the demise of the line of Eli for all generations. His only response could be “Yes, Lord, your servant is listening.”

As we discussed the story during Sunday school hour, we considered the following questions:

• Do you think we are living in a time when the “word of the Lord” and visions are especially rare, or not?
• Have you ever mistaken another voice or call for the voice of the Lord?  
• What made Eli accurately perceive that the Lord was calling Samuel?
• If you hear the voice or call of the Lord in your life, what is that voice like? How do you know that the voice belongs to the Lord?
• How can you make room in your life to listen for the Lord’s call?

I really appreciated this line of questioning, because it brought me back to considering if we can really hear or know that God is speaking to us. And if we can hear, how do we know?

It can be so hard to hear the voice of God. Whether it is because “the word of the Lord is rare” (1 Sam. 3:1) or just because we are not listening, it seems like the noise of our lives quickly drowns out anything that God might really be saying to us.

When I do feel and sense God’s guidance, I am so quick to second-guess it. It is easy to point to His voice for the little things. Maybe I wouldn’t have had a joyful reunion with the mom of a friend I hadn’t seen for years unless we both had to go to the bathroom at the exact same time during church. Maybe if I hadn’t been running 5 minutes late I would be the one in that car wreck on the highway instead of the person who was. I can thank God for what feels like little moments of providence. But what about when he calls my family across the country? When I am looking for a job? When I am trying to figure out who to marry? When I don’t understand the death of a friend or family member?  Where is God then? How is he speaking in these situations? In the “big” things in life, it’s a whole lot harder to attribute what I am hearing, thinking and feeling to God Almighty. Am I the only one who has a hard time with this? As a senior about to graduate from college, this whole what-does-God-want-me-to-do-with-my-life thing is big, huge and hairy reality. 

I imagine that hearing God is a lot like my little sister hearing my mom calling. It is best to respond right away with an attitude of willingness and obedience. Yet, even if she does not hear or respond, mom keeps calling her until she does. The same thing happens with Samuel and the Lord. It was not until the fourth try that God finally got Samuel’s attention and willingness to listen! But God didn’t give up on him. He just keep persistently speaking until Samuel recognized and turned to Him. Praise God that he does the same thing with us. He doesn’t give up on us. He keeps calling, hoping that we will pause, listen, and obey.

Secondly, it was important to me that Eli pointed Samuel toward the voice of God.  It’s kind of like if mom were calling for my sister, but instead of her hearing, I heard her instead. I could easily say, “Rachel, I hear mom calling for you! You should listen!” How often do we desire confirmation of the call that God is giving us? When those around of us point to our lives and say, “I think God is trying to tell you something,” it pushes us to accept the work of God in our lives, to listen carefully, and to relinquish the fear that somehow we are just telling ourselves the “truth” we want to believe. It helps us stop questioning and start believing.

How do we listen? I would love to say that we just pray and read the Bible and that solves all our problems. But I don’t believe that is the whole answer. We also need friends that point us to God. Silent moments to listen to Him. Faith to believe that He is talking. Eyes that look for His work in the big things and the small ones. Perseverance to hold on to what God has told us even when the going gets tough. A willingness and flexibility to exchange our “good” plans for his “best” plans. A heart willing to praise God whether we like what his voice is telling us, or whether we would like to run away to Tarsus like Jonah did when God called him to do something he never wanted to do. To trust that believes that God has the best for us even when we cannot see it clearly.

I love prayer we ended with today in Sunday school as well. It’s from the Book of Common Prayer, and it goes like this:

Heavenly Father, in you we live and move and have our being: we humbly pray you so to guide and govern us by your Holy Spirit, that in all the cares on occupations of our life we may not forget you, but may remember that we are ever walking in your sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (p. 100)