Dual Citizenship and a Journey Home

In my post about the Power of Words, I promised I would be back to reflect some more about my experiences of this year and how they have affected me. I promised…so here it is! This is the second part of my musings about my college journey so far. This one’s about journeying—the joys and struggles of being a citizen of both JBU and the Roller family. I’ve had a lot to learn and it started on Day One.

The rental car all packed and ready to leave home

My first day at JBU, my mom and sister came down to help move me in. Dad had to stay in Ohio to get ready for MVNU’s students to get back. Mom and Rachel drove the rental car back home, leaving me alone—no family, no car, and no idea exactly what college was going to be like. While I have friends pretty much everywhere (and people who hang around me very long realize I run into acquaintances in the strangest places), for all intent and purposes I knew absolutely no one in Arkansas. I was starting from scratch and I knew it.  

This sudden separation from all things normal and comfortable was uncertain, strange, stretching and downright terrifying at times. Now, I adjusted quickly; making friends with my hallmates and RA’s, getting to know my professors, hanging out with my Orientation group and leaders, and looking for a church all helped life feel normal again. I quickly found that “normal” at college was not like it was at home. Instead, I was creating a new normal. I soon found college life to be incredibly exhausting but wonderfully rewarding.  I still looked like a dumb freshman many times, especially when I had to go somewhere new or when I did something stupid like running into an important someone on campus and not having a clue who he/she was. All in all, however, I was gradually becoming integrated into the college culture.

In my Gateway class that fall, Professor Mandy Moore helped us study the life and culture of college students. In an incredibly interesting article, a few researchers compared the process of adjusting to college life to moving to a foreign country. They took a model that had been used to describe international travel and applied it to college students. This is what they developed:

In my assignment journal for this class, I described this “W-Curve” in these words:

 As freshmen we have moved from the tourist-like experiences of searching for a college and are now on campus and stuck here, for the most part. We are asked to make the best of it, but there are stages of this development and integration into the culture. Initially we are thrilled to be here and there are many activities designed to help us enjoy Stage A: The Honeymoon. By the time classes are beginning, Stage B: Culture Shock is setting in. We face many conflicting emotions and challenges that we never expected, such as getting lost on the way to class, astonishment at the amount of work assigned on the syllabus, tension with our room- and hall-mates, and missing friends and family at home. After a while, we are feeling much more comfortable with the overall rhythm of college life and beginning to feel connected and accepted in the college culture. This, described as Stage C: Initial Adjustment, is very comforting after the difficult experiences of the first weeks and months on this college campus. However, because of mounting stress, fatigue, home-sickness, doubt, and feelings of isolation, eventually a second downswing occurs, which the article refers to as Stage D: Mental Isolation. Eventually, most college students begin feeling connected, comfortable, accepted, at home, and integrated in this new college culture. They have joined the ranks of successful college students navigating their freshman year.

I was then asked to write about where I thought I was in the process at that point in time. I still smile when I look back at what I said:

I am still smack-dab in the middle of culture shock, and perhaps on the upswing. I am feeling a general sense of well-being today. (Today. Friday, August 26, 2011. If you asked me Wednesday afternoon it would have been a different story!) It is still very new here and I am dealing with many of the challenges referenced in Stage B: Culture Shock, including bureaucracy, adjustment to dorm life, understanding diverse cultures, frustration with normally routine tasks, and missing home, friends and family. 

Throughout the first two semesters at JBU, I clearly experienced each one of these stages. Understanding that these stages exist helped me realize that I was not insane or overly emotional. I was merely experiencing a normal adjustment period to a completely different life. This helped me manage the change more constructively. On average, I survived the transition better as a result of knowing these stages and ways to cope with them. At the end, I feel like I have successfully reached the Integration and Acceptance stage. I feel like my college journey was a success but it was not without its proverbial “ups and downs” throughout the year.

Comparing college to a foreign country makes sense in many ways. Here are a few factors on my list of what makes JBU a foreign country:

ü  Language: Universities often have their very own language, or jargon. At JBU, this includes terms such as froogling, the Cali, the Caf, granolas, green boxes, the bubble, the awkward ball, and StalkerNet. If you’re reading this and your first thought is “huh?” then you’re probably not a native of JBU. If you’re a JBU student, the likelihood is that you know exactly what I’m talking about.

ü  Geography: Any campus is incredibly confusing the first few weeks and months on campus. All the buildings look much same and have odd names such as Walker, BPAC, J.Alvin, Mayfield, Art 2 (ahem, I mean Wingate Visual Arts Building East), and Kresgie Dining Hall. Admissions will give you a map, but that doesn’t keep freshmen and visiting students from walking around with a puzzled and quizzical look on their faces, turning the brochure this way and that, trying to figure out exactly where on campus they are.

ü  Customs: events and practices such as Mock Rock, J. Alvin Loves Mayfield, Breakaway, open dorm hours, The Toilet Paper Game, and Sophomore Mugging may seem quite foreign to any newcomer on campus.

ü  Hierarchy: yes, it exists in force on college campuses. From requiring freshmen to park in Outer Mongolia (oh, I mean, in the extra parking lots behind North Hall) to allowing seniors to register for classes before anyone else, there are distinct advantages to being an upperclassman at the University. Students aren’t the only ones that have rank, either. Faculty and administration are assistant professors, associate professors, full professors, and who-knows-what’s. These aren’t necessarily bad things, but as a freshman it can take a little while to get used to the whole system. You’re the underdog and you know it, yet you know that someday you won’t be anymore.

ü  Legislation: Especially at a private Christian college such as JBU, there are many rules and standards that students are asked to abide by. Minor infringements include errors such as getting a parking ticket for leaving your car in the wrong place or having to go find your ID because you’re not allowed to eat in the Caf without it. Ignorance isn’t a good excuse, either. “It’s in the Student Handbook,” they say. Major problems and corrective measures ensue when students don’t follow covenant and indulge in practices such as drinking, gambling, viewing inappropriate entertainment, or academic dishonesty.

ü Currency: One does not  necessarily pay for food and services with US dollars on a college campus. Instead, you can use your ID to spend bucks in the Cali and scan your ID to use up meal plan meals in the Caf. In the Mayfield Market, you can trade your ID for useful items such as games, cleaning supplies, and cooking tools. Upon successful return, you may redeem your ID. If you loose your ID, good luck to you and I hope you find it quickly. You can't even get in the door without it!

As you can see, in many ways JBU and other colleges are their own little worlds. Students travel to these destinations and stay there for long periods of time. They establish residence and become increasingly integrated into the college culture. They acclimate to the new norms and are soon no longer bothered or even aware of many of the factors listed above. This adjustment is healthy and creates a culture that is unlike any other experience. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.

At the same time, the sometimes dramatic differences between home life and college culture can be a difficult transition for co-eds. About the time we think we’re comfortable and integrated at school, it’s time to go home for a “break.” We get to go visit mom and dad or travel to some other destination. We’re constantly shifting between home and school culture, never quite at home and settled in either one.

Based on my experience, I have begun to refer to this phenomenon as “dual citizenship.” And if switching between home and school is similar to international travel, then maybe I should quit school and become a travel agent!

Right now I’m soaring above St. Louis on my flight back home for the summer and bracing myself for yet another cross-cultural experience. I am no longer the child in my parents’ home that I was before I began my college experience. I am now a semi-independent young adult. My parents and sister are delighted that I am coming home. I am excited to be going home. But, we’re all going to have some adjusting to do.

I have so, so, so many experiences from this year. Crazy and diligent, big and small, sane and insane, quiet and loud, alone and with others—my college life is full of joys, struggles, and adventures. None of my family has been down to JBU since they moved me into college that day in August. They know a little bit of what the campus looks like, they have some knowledge of the place from going through ERP and campus visits with me, Skype can give them a window into my world, and they can Facebook-stalk my friends to some degree, but in reality they have no idea what I have experienced the last weeks and months. I can tell stories, but even those only go so far. Many of my memories I just have to treasure up in my heart, knowing they’ll never quite understand. It’s worth trying to share the memories, but I could talk for days and write for hours without telling them half of what happened day-to-day.

Meanwhile, I’ve been gone from my home "country." There is no way they can tell me all that happened there, either. I’ve missed out and I know it. This disconnect is incredibly frustrating at times.

When I’m home, we pick up where we left off and have a great time, but the link that I was used to with my mom, dad, and sister isn’t quite there anymore. I was homeschooled. That means my parents and sister were there for everything I ever did, or were right there to tell about it when I got home. I daily caught up with them and they knew pretty much everything about me all the time. That connection was valuable and important to me.

I still have a connection with them. It’s just different. I still love them. They still love me. We still talk and experience things together. When I get home, we enjoy being together. When I’m gone, we miss each other but know with full confidence that we’ll see each other again. Yet, things are not the same as they used to be and I have had to learn to be ok with that.

I have had to realize that I must be content where I am. This is a choice and a practice, taking daily application to succeed. Paul talks about contentment, saying, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to all thing through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13, HCSB). This is the attitude I strive, however imperfectly, to adopt in this journey of mine.



I could choose to be discontent wherever I am, because part of me will always want to be somewhere other than here. When I’m at home I miss being at school with my friends and increased independence. When I’m at school, I miss being home with my family to love and take care of me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t win, that I’m constantly torn.




Me and my trusty backpack 



On the other hand, I am winning, I am whole. I have blessings, people to care for me, and a “home” wherever I am. You know the saying, “home is where your heart is”? Well, my rendition of that is “home is where my backpack is.” My backpack is about the most consistent thing in my life right now. It’s with me wherever I am, whether at home or at school or at friends’ houses or airports. In order to maintain some sort of sanity in my constant dual citizenship, I have had to learn to adopt this attitude of contentment.

I am coping by learning to choose thankfulness above all else. For instance, I had to say “see you later” to Ryan today. That’s on top of leaving all my school friends for the summer (or in some cases, when they’re graduating or not returning, for longer than that) earlier this week. That’s a lot of goodbyes in seven days! Instead of dwelling on what I’m leaving behind, I have to focus on what’s ahead and how blessed I am to have had the limited time with dear ones I did have. If I dwell on the past I quickly become a tearful mess. I am so richly blessed to have people all over the country who love and care for me, but dadgumit, it hurts sometimes to leave!  This is a fearsome side effect of dual citizenship. When you live a life like mine, it’s constantly bittersweet.

I know I’m not the only one who deals with these tensions, joys, and tearful goodbyes. This is a shout out to all the college students who are making the transition back home for the summer. Fellow students, I hope that your adventure is rewarding and I wish you sweet time and connections with your friends and family in the great country of Home. I look forward to seeing you back at the country of JBU in the fall. I want to hear all about your summer and how things have gone. You and me, like me with my family, will pick up where we left off and have a great time together.

I live in this contented confidence. I and my backpack have had so many great adventures this year and are looking forward to even more in the years to come. I am thankful for all the people who surround me on this journey. Please hold me close when I’m near and think fondly of me when I am far. I’ll be back, I promise. You’ll see me again (here or on the other side of eternity) and we’ll be stronger for it. May God go with you until we meet again. God bless you on your journeys, my friends.