Take 3: Dreaming Beneath a Willow Tree

After surviving my first Old Testament Survey test this morning, I wandered down to the cafeteria with a group of friends. It’s always funny when I sit at a table with a group, because invariably the conversation will wander to a topic which I know less than nothing about. Sometimes my peers are kind enough to stop and try to educate me, but half the time they realize that they could spend all day trying to help me understand Harry Potter or a YouTube video and it wouldn’t do an ounce of good. I am clueless when it comes to these things. But oh well.

After lunch I wandered out onto the quad (a.k.a. the grassy space in the center of campus), and saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a few days. Now, the weather was so gorgeous that the last thing I desired was to go to my slightly messy, boring dorm room and work on homework. So what, you might ask, was my natural reaction? Simple. It was to seek out stimulating conversation instead. My friend on the quad began by asking me who I was dressed as for movie character dress-up day, and I answered that I was Kathleen Kelly from You’ve Got Mail. We bounced from the subject of You’ve Got Mail to Harry Potter magic to Lord of the Rings to Narnia and culminated with arguing about whether C.S. Lewis was actually a Christian or whether he was an evolution-supporting, purgatory-believing, confused old man. This was great fun. Unfortunately, our conversation was interrupted by the fact that my friend had a meeting. Time to go back to the dorm I guess.

Actually, I still didn’t want to go and do homework, so on my way back to Mayfield I stepped into Dr. Walenciak’s office to say hello. He insists that I stop by and pay him a visit once in a while, and it’d been several weeks since I’d last taken him up on his offer. (And talking with a professor is a great excuse not to do my Spanish homework….) We chatted for several minutes about school and his beloved Guatemala and how I was doing adjusting to college life.

After I left Dr. Walenciak’s office, I ran into a gentleman in the hallway, who seemed incredibly familiar. It turns out this was another professor, but I’d maybe met him once or twice and never really talked to him. So of course I had to fix that. Now I know that Dr. Kennelley teaches several quantitative classes in the business department and I’ll probably have him for Statistics soon.

I finally wandered back to my room and was ready to get down to business. I pulled out my key and tried the lock….no luck. My door was stuck!!! Amazingly, my friend Tracy, one of Mayfield’s cleaning ladies, was walking down the hall just then. I knew she had a master key, so I asked if she could get my door open. She couldn’t either, but she was able to call campus security and the man they sent was able to force the lock open.

I was finally back in my dorm, which I had secretly been avoiding for the last 45 minutes. The next thing on my list was to work on my blog post, which had a very interesting prompt this week:

Before you write your response, I want you to do something. I want you to go outside. I’m not going to say for how long, because this isn’t something to check-off your list. I want you to go outside and just be for a little while. Be. Listen. Be. For this activity, I don’t want you to be with anyone. Be by yourself for a little while. Really allow yourself to BE with yourself (this may sound odd..but seriously, I want you to do this). And as you sit with yourself, I want you to ask yourself this question:

What is my dream? What is that one thing that makes me feel most alive––the most alive that I have ever been?

Now, when I went outside this afternoon to sit, think, dream, and reflect about myself, this afternoon’s events had to make me laugh. Apparently, I love being here at school. Classes are so interesting and my friends in my residence hall and across campus are the best. When you ask me what makes me feel alive, a lot of it is these little interactions. I love the bright spots that people bring to my day. My friend Gabrielle complains about how long it takes me to get places. You see, the above paragraphs (don’t count, there are five) happened on my way back from lunch. But this is what I would describe as a wonderful afternoon. I enjoyed interacting with people that I otherwise may not have talked to today. I didn’t have any problem with the fact that it took me nearly 45 minutes to get back to my dorm from lunch. My conversations happened in many different places: the hallway, the quad, an office. But in each place, one thing was true: I felt ALIVE.

Sitting on that silly park bench this afternoon, listening to the wind rustle the willow branches and watching the limbs sway back and forth, at first my thoughts were going for a million miles at minute. But as I sat there and relaxed, I encouraged myself to think about what my dream was. Part of my dream I am already living: I am at a Christian college, surrounded by neat people and with unbounded opportunities to learn and develop in the next four years. I have a great roommate, who I get along with really well. My family is excited for me, prays for me, and loves to hear about what’s going on in my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend who cares about me. I am trying to serve the LORD with every area of my life. I feel like I am exactly where God wants me to be and He is helping me use my gifts and talents to be a servant for Him here at JBU.

The next part of my dream is what scares me. I don’t know the future. Really, who does? Ultimately all I really want is for my life to be lived for the glory of God. I want to do His work. To be where He wants me.  To be a person who lives up to the name Christian. To be a cherished daughter of God.

But what does that look like? Somewhere along the way, this young, sleep-deprived, photo-snapping, extroverted student is going to grow up into a woman. Eventually, I’d love to have a successful career, a handsome husband, a child or two………………. It all seems so far away at the moment, but at the same time, adulthood isn’t so far off. I’m 18 now. I’ll be able to vote in this next election. I can drive a car. I’m 14 hours away from home at college. This year has caused a lot of growing up, and because of that, the future seems closer to reality right now.

In my heart, I know that God has every part of this under control. Helping my mind understand this is sometimes more of a challenge. This struggle between faith and fear is frequent. But as our chapel speaker talked about this morning, if we can put our trust in an all-powerful, loving, amazing God, we are able to believe and know that he will catch us when he says ‘jump!’ Whether it feels like I’m walking happily beside my Savior, or as though I’m being asked to jump from the comfort of my own plans to the safety of His arms, I know and believe that I can trust Him. This doesn’t keep me from being scared, frustrated, or stressed out at times. But through Him, my dreams become reality. Through Him, my fears melt away. Through Him, I am alive.